I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I wish there were birth control emojis
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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