We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
