It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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