I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No...this little piggys going to the bar
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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