oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i need some magic done to my vagina
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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