Sry I called you an 8
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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