Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
