The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
