Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
