My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize