I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
