haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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