i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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