Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
