My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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