Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
