Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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