My first STD was from a foam party
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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