She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
