I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we're making bets on your personal life
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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