the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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