he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
