We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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