her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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