Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Drake has all the answers
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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