the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize