...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
