there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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