I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
