3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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