I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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