my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
