My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
