My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
