someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
