I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
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