Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
