Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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