3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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