He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
