How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
