and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she peed on how many people?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize