i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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