I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
