my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
