is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
