don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
That accounts for only three of the penises
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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