Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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