I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
