I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
