Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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