I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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