Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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