Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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