Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
