If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
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