On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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