Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
