My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
