I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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